Are men getting sketchier, or have I just started paying attention?

The other night I found myself chatting on Facebook chat with an ex boyfriend and a former mini-fling. I stopped the mini-fling when I found out that he had a girlfriend. Both wanted to "see me" whenever I was in town. Both have serious girlfriends.

Last night I heard a story about a guy who I considered a good guy, even "marriage material" because he seemed non-sketchy. In fact, he'd had sex with 2 girls by the time he graduated from college. No drugs. Close to family. No criminal record. Recently however, he did E, with a girl who his roommate from college of 3 years (and good friend) really likes. That's two faux pas: crazy drug use, and potentially doing sketchy things with a good friend's crush.

When I was in China studying abroad, my roommate got "very close" to another guy studying abroad with us, who had been with his girl friend for 3 years. He was necking my roommate on the dance floor while his girl friend was back home probably missing him a lot. He was also one of my favorite classmates and one of the least likely to cheat, or so I thought.


Have the character of people dropped like the value of our 401K?

Everywhere I look there are guys of all types: the nice guy, the guy next door, the guy who should be old enough to know better, the successful guys, the ones who behaved in college....who are commiting major relationship faux-pas with friends and significant others. Lying is bad, but lying to the degree that I have seen recently is absolutely abhorrant.

I have read that cheating is fairly prevalent, but seeing these real life examples of men who should be trust-worthy try to cheat on their mediocre to fabulous girlfriends makes me wonder if I even want to be in a relationship.

Ironically, people are getting sketchier as my own sketchiness has dropped off into "normal" to "boring" territory haha. I have always thought that people get less sketchy and less morally "grey" as they get older, but what I am seeing clearly contradicts this. Whether you want to blame the economy, Obama's healthcare plan, the crazy republicans, El Nino, or young people and their rap music, something is clearly amiss.

The Dark Side of Education

Student Loans.

Currently my student loans are only about 50% higher than what the average person in the US makes per year. Somehow this ends up equaling a repayment amount higher than my monthly rent if I go with the longer 30 year repayment option. It's about $1000 per month if I go with the standard 10 year loan period.

Are you kidding me???


For that amount of money I could spend a week in the Caribbean every month, buy a pair of Louboutin shoes every month, get an apartment twice the size of my current apartment, be a sugar mamma to a struggling model/actor, go to Vegas once a month and gamble profusely, support a small midget population living in my larger closet in my larger apartment...the list goes on.

I am not happy about this loan payment business.

If you are reading this...

Please comment! It makes me feel loved and like someone cares about my rantings haha.

The "Douche- Pheromone"

I'm done with match.com. Or that's what I thought. Now that I'm almost at the end of my match.com free trial, a cute guy winked at me. The last 4 winks (the match.com equivalent of a Facebook poke) have been from men who are over 30 (47, 34, 47, and 42 years old respectively), some divorced, mostly old and creepy.

So, cute guy winks at me, and I think I have 16 minutes (until my free trial runs out) to send him an email explaining that I don't live in MN yet, that I think he's cute, and give him a good reason to show me around town because I'm new. I have no good reasons so I just ask if he'd want to do that and leave my email.

I go back to actually take a look at his profile (yes, I wanted to hang out with him based simply on his pictures -- though I did let him slide for being shorter than my usual type--I think that makes me only semi-shallow and certainly improving). I think I'd picked up that he did some type of banking just based on his one picture and the use of the word "rich portfolio of experiences".

For some reason any use of the word portfolio is sexy to me. Then again so are the words "800 SAT math score". I feel that most girls go with words such as "gentleman" "work out often" and "romantic".

For some reason I think the word romantic = pussy. My best friend said that although I pretend like I want romance (e.g. showing up to my apartment and finding it covered in rose petals and candles), what I really want is to show up to my apartment and find my guy there holding a drink for me with the TV already tuned in to watch the game.

Back to what I call the Douche-Pheromone. This is specifically about the investment banker douche- not the Jersey trash douche. I believe you can spot an investment banker from a mile away.

What exactly is the Douche-Pheromone? it is technically a scent, but highlighted in their appearance as well. Button-down shirt, expensive jeans, sportscoat on top, perfectly placed hair, and confidently smug smile. I'm attracted to that confidence, that suave...that thing that every other girl wants too. These guys have women falling all over themselves trying to get with them, and therefore never want to choose, settle down, be loyal, or not be a douchebag in general.

The new match.com guy seems to have some promise though. He started out by calling me "Reina" because I wouldn't give him my real name. The cuteness was of course a turnoff. We ended up having a good conversation. I found out he works in ecommerce, so not even close to banking. He seemed nice. And put together. And good looking. Here's to hoping I wasn't just attracted to his secret "Douche-Pheromone".

About the fish and the sea

The match.com experiment has ended, for now.

My roommate-to-be in 8 days pointed out, "the cool girls are not that cute". Though the "many fish in the sea" metaphor seems great and all, I don't think there are that many date-able guys "in the sea". Actually I've put the number of dateable people closer to 8% (total guesstimate). And that does not even take physical attraction and similar interests into account. There just are not that many attractive people in this world in general. I think the college pool was skewed.

Part of my problem is that I just have a very specific type that can't be determined by anything on an online dating profile. I feel that if I had run into any of the guys I liked on an online dating site, I would have immediately found something to dismiss them without thinking twice. For starters, most of the guys I've had an intense connection with weren't my physical type when we first met. Then there's the nitpicking. Facial hair, tattoos, balding head, works too much, in love with strippers, (unfortunately theres TWO guys I've dated who fall into this category-- should I be concerned?), too short, does not go to a reputable university or even a non-community college university, and the list goes on. Okay, not all of these are characteristics of men I have dated in the past, but I thought I would sprinkle in some of my non-negotiable would-never-date em traits so guys of my past who may discover this blog won't know which ones are legit.

It's hard to label the type of chemistry that makes two people fall head over heels for each other, blow off friends, life, forget what time of day it is and just live in a constant state of blissful floating (you know what I'm talking about). I think it's almost impossible to try to figure out who gives us these "feelings" because we all inevitably always choose the wrong person.

Take the "Tale of the Two Nicks" for example.

I had a friend, who shall remain unnamed, who was seeing a guy named Nick (let's refer to him as Nick 1). Nick 1 was far from "ideal". In fact he was young, with a record, working in a gay club, skateboarding by day, hanging out with 'the bad kids in town' and in general was from the other side of the tracks. He was also remarkably honest, charismatic, sweet-natured, and good - looking in a could-be-in-a-early-2000s-boyband kinda way. He was not in college, worked odd jobs, didn't have a car, and once was homeless.
Then there was Nick 2. About to graduate from UVA Law. Great manners. Well versed in food and wine. Tall. Handsome. Lived in a swanky apartment downtown.

Guess which one my friend chose?


This isn't just the story of Two Nicks. This is the story of all of us. How many of us who don't have the constant "need" to be in a relationship actually end up with the guy who's good on paper? What about the guy who'll treat us right? Hell, what about the guy who actually likes us?


A part of me, for once, wants to end up with the guy who likes me, who is good on paper, takes me out and wines and dines me. I'm not sure if I am mature enough for that yet. I think I'd rather take my chances on the guys that make me forget what day of the week it is. The one who makes me stay in bed while on the beaches of Southern Thailand because I'd rather lie there with him discussing absolutely nothing important. I think that's a problem most women have. We care to much about the sensual pleasures (pleasure of the senses). We want to "feel" that certain way. We want the romance. We want to dream about the life we may never have.


I would personally just rather not settle. A close friend once said that he did not see me as having a serious boyfriend until I was 30, and he was much older. Though I don't believe that to be true, dating just for the sake of dating is not my cup of tea.
And for that, I bid online dating adieu.

For now.

Update from last post

The last post was actually written months ago. I'm back to loving white men. The whiter, the better.

Are white men bad lovers?

Now, before you go all racist on me, understand that the last four men I have dated have been white. Very very Irish and/or Polish white. That's quite white. But before that, I dated a Dominican. Some time prior to that- high school actually- I dated a Pakistani guy for three months. It only lasted three months because we didn't see each other the last two, but that is beyond the point. So after a three year hiatus from men of color, interjected by the occasional making out or fling that lasts a few weeks at most, I have rediscovered....NOT SUPER WHITE men. NSW will be the term I use to describe "men of color", because I am not fully comfortable calling them "men of color". It sounds like something you pick out of a catalog or a type of flower or a gay musical band (men of color...colorful men...you don't see it?!). Back to NSW.

A good friend of mine is also very white. Female, redhead naturally, but very white. Gorgeous, thin, intelligent very white girl who loves "brown men" (that is her term for it). We got along well, because I would immediately know what men she was making eyes at, and she would let me have the rest. All the super white men that roam the grounds of University of Virginia (trust me there are a lot). After accounting for the white men and the Asian men (neither of our types), there aren't a lot of "brown men" left. However, between our combined experience with men, a lot of men, many different kinds of men, I feel that we have some type of expertise. In fact, if I could get a degree in men, I would have gotten my PhD by now.

So what makes the NSW better in bed? We are assuming all other things have been kept constant. Okay, upon closer there was one standout. The man who was in love with a stripper. Yes, I dated a man (okay, dating was not official but with more than half our classes together, 2 study groups, a mutual friend group/drinking buddies, I think I can count it as dating). Irrelevant. Point is, he was good. Really good. He figured out things about my body that my last boyfriend, the one I had been in love with, couldn't in 7 months. He did that in the first few weeks. He had the blessing of the totally slutty first girlfriend who obviously knew how to move certain body parts in certain ways and must have trained him to know where important things (spots) were located. By the way, I think as a public service all women should teach their boyfriends and lovers where certain things are located, if not just for ourselves, but for womenkind in general. The technical skills expertise obviously set him apart, so he shall be excluded for our observations.

NSW put care into what they are doing. This starts with greater effort, but carries forth to the execution part too. These are guys who learned, who were taught, to appreciate women. They appreciate very single body part of the female and aren't afraid of saying "you look amazing" in bed. The white male ideal of masculinity makes it hard for a guy to say the words "you look amazing" or even concentrate on a girl in a bed- it's all about them. I'm sure most women don't notice, or just assume it's their fault. But after a very very amazing New Years where I discovered that I have been dating (and sleeping with) all the wrong men, I realized that I have to wait for the one that makes me feel wonderful, clothes on or off.

Do we all have types?

There came a point my senior year of college when I realized that I had "a type". This was quite the shocker since before college, actually since before I transferred to the college I ended up graduating from, I had dated a white guy, a guy from Asia (technically Indian subcontinent), and a guy from the Caribbean (hispanic though technically). I think that's more races than most people date in a lifetime.

I'm not sure what happened then. I started attending a university where the white people live on one side of campus (near the social scene and bars) and the minorities live on another side of campus (near classes). I'm not being racist or over-generalizing here, that's just the way things were. I ended up with the white people.

Two years later, I realized that the last three guys I had seriously dated had been between 6'1 and 6'2, 165 - 175 lbs, brown hair, green eyes. When I realized this, I freaked out. So, the next two guys I liked "turned out to be" 5'10. The only guy I've dated since the realization was also fatter. Yay for branching out. Since then I've also given a middle-eastern guy a try (yes, the men in my life is like a United Colors of Benetton ad)

Now that I'm trying this "online dating website" thing, I am wondering how closely I should stick to my type. I like to say that I know what I'm looking for, and I think I do. But, clearly, my "type" hasn't worked out in the past. I almost want to give blondes, chubsters, and other larger dudes with tattoos and facial hair a chance...but the econ major in me makes me think that might be inefficient. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Is it bad that...

I think of everything in sports metaphors.

For example, earlier today I was thinking about how my heart is currently unsigned (like, hasn't been picked up by a team yet).

FML.

Crazy little world of online dating

My 5 days on a certain online dating site has taught me that I am probably not the type who succeeds at online dating.

I'm far too awkward at talking to people. In general. Especially when sober.

First semi-creepy email

From a dude named Bjorn. Sounds too much like Bjork for me to be able to take him seriously:

Hey there fa5u,

I emailed you a week or so ago but I haven't
heard anything back yet....

I thought perhaps you met a really nice gentleman that's about 35 years old and has a thick beard, which he has braided into three parts. :) Or, maybe you were abducted by killer robots?

Well I figured I'd email you one last time.

After I read your profile I got the impression that
you seemed like you were a cool chick (Could
I be wrong?)

If you're looking to meet someone then I
think it would be really foolish for both of
us if we never spoke at least ONE time.

For someone who claims to like adventure like you do, realize that I'm 26 years old, travel more than anyone my age that I know, and give a really ridiculous back rub (you have to get on my good side for that part though).

If you are interested, let's meet for a drink this week...perhaps Wednesday? :)

Bjorn



The nicest response I could come up with on the fly:

Hey,

Sorry I haven't responded to you. I'm not actually in Minnesota yet - I'm moving there in a few weeks. You seem very self-confident, and that's great, but I like guys who are slightly less confident and forward.

Good luck with match.com!





I join match.com. Hilarity ensues.

I have a partner in crime

I'm helping my future roommate TL, who I have yet to meet, sign up for match.com also as a joke. I was going to make it my future goal to try to convince him to sign up for my amusement, but he didn't need any coercion at all!

Since he's currently failing to make his own profile based on frustration over "sounding like a tool", I came up with a surefire formula for creating that perfect profile:

say "I am a ......(insert 3 adjectives to describe yourself)

"Friends say I am (2 more)"

"In my free time I like to ...."

"I like to ..(describe all the outdoorsey/workoutish stuff you like to do)"

"(Insert cliche philosophy on life)"

Really, it's not that complicated. Just avoid sounding like a pussy, lazy, a douchebag, a toolbag, someone looking for a second hookup because their girlfriend and FB#1 bores them, lame, unconfident, or boring. Or creepy. Or desperate. DO NOT appear creepy or desperate.

So, I just joined online dating websites...

Out of boredom and because I was with Beth. This kinda thing always happens.

Update: Just joined match.com. I have about 20 emails I have gotten in the past 2 days.

There is a huge difference between the messages of the cute guys and the ones from the normal/uglies. It's like they're writing a thesis and want to know everything about me because I'm its topic or something. Actually, the number of words in the first email decreases by how hot the guy thinks he is. So strange.

Another thing: grammar is super important in the first email. Many people fail to realize this. Know the difference between you're and your. "Your beautiful" just sounds awkward.

My first real world apartment!

I have put in a deposit for my first real life apartment. This also means I've found myself a roommate (in itself, a rather frustrating and stressful process). Yes, it's somewhat official, I'm moving to Minneapolis!

About the roommate: His name is Tyler. So far he sounds like a wet dream of a roommate. I haven't met his met, but I've had a rudimentary background check done by talking to a mutual friend on Facebook. He builds things out of wood- he's a carpenter of sorts, though officially he works at an advertising agency. He also likes to go dumpster diving for things he can fix up and he even decoupages!! He's laid back and funny and likes "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". He also gave me full control of decorating the common area. Yay!

About the apartment: Dirt cheap. Great location. I would have to share a bathroom with Tyler (should be a "learning experience" if nothing else), but basically the bathroom is what makes the apartment $300 less than the same apartment in the same building with the same amenities. So, I bit the bullet and signed up for it.

The big room to left would be my room. Yes, that is a fantastically large size and not only will I be able to fit my big bed, but I could probably also fit a small couch, desk, and dressing area. I could technically fit two rooms in there if I really wanted to. Additionally, I can apparently get to have the hallway closet too. Woohoo! I'll be paying slightly more for the bigger room, access to bathroom, and hallway closet, but it's nothing to break the bank and TOTALLY worth it. Also, the kitchen has been renovated recently so the appliances are basically new.

So, for $525/month for me, I'll get that giant room, an indoor pool, gym, hottub, sauna, basketball court, tennis court, and heat and A/C paid for.
At a time when quite a few of my good friends are buying their first house (flat in the case of my friend Rob in London), this may not seem as big of a deal, but I'm VERY excited!

Do I have to do an introduction?

I believe in things have an order to them, not necessarily in my life or my bedroom, but with prose of any kind. I was the kid who learned the 5 paragraph writing prompt format and took 3 years to not put a quote as the opener. I had a teacher who really disliked this apparently unimaginative way of beginning papers. I never tried "fiction" writing.

This is why I have an introduction. I don't know how to phrase the introduction and probably will not give a good overview of myself but I gotta have the order to things. This will be the last thing you read that makes any sense to you.

I originally wanted the blog name to be "Unwittybanter". However, the title of unwitty banter was taken up by some girl who actually had very unwitty and super boring banter. How unfortunate.